TragicRomanticLoveStory
by SmilE Bug
Summary: This is a story of love, romance, and ... tragedy. Follow Herbert on his epic quest to find a bride. Will he reach his goal? Read on to find out.
1. Foreward

**Foreword: **At this point in the story, some things must be clarified by the author.

#1: The prince's mother (the violent frog in need of a perm) was eventually incarcerated for her steroid-abuse rage problem (yes, very sad), and contradictory to what she might have informed the public in the prologue, she never actually ruled "_her_ lands" (because if she had the people would have been very, very … let's call them _interesting_… people). Instead, her advisors (a form of frog parliament) had taken over her duties as queen for her. How kind…

#2: The prince was given three choices for a wife, there names being Froginda (Princess #1), Frogette (Princess #2), and Freya (Princess #3). He had, by the time he was kicked out of the house, chosen which one he was going to have as his wife.

#3: You may be wondering where Herbert's father (the king of the frogs) is during all of this. Well, Herbert's father, being of relatively good health when he married his steroid-abusive, angry wife (This was all set up through arranged marriage, however, he did not marry her by choice. As a side note, however, he would probably never have married her if he had known of her "issues.") helped his blood pressure increase drastically, which led to an early death a week after their marriage.

#4: As all this has been going on (the prologue), enemies of the prince (I say prince because everyone was enemies with the queen because of her attitude, so it would be fruitless, if not idiotic, to start with "enemies of the queen.") have been plotting the prince's early doing away with (One of these enemies being Count Lothario Lizard, of a neighboring kingdom). Count Lizard, like the queen in his anger, but more child-tantrum-like, anger wise, had found out about Herbert's engagement affairs, and had decided, that, since it was most likely that Herbert would go on a quest to find and marry his bride, he, Count Lizard, would kill him in an epic duel before he, Herbert, could accomplish his goal.

#5: Although this story sounds like it would have been written in medieval times (because of references to "kingdoms" etc.), the story is actually written in fairly recent times. Contrary to the belief of many scientists working with animals, animals, society wise, are living in a society where kingdoms, are the relatively small areas of grass still around in this day and age (2006).


	2. Story Begins

**Story Begins…**

And so, our story begins. Prince Herbert has selected his wife to be (Princess #2 a.k.a. Frogette). His quest begins on a dirt road (space between tall grass on someone's lawn), just outside of his kingdom (a lawn he does not usually reside in). He has been walking for a while; his attempts to hire a carriage had been fruitless, because, his mother had apparently called ahead of time and told all the carriage drivers, taxi drivers, etc. to NOT allow Herbert to hire them (on pain of an excruciating death after torture by her highness). Tired and hungry, Herbert stopped on the side of the road for a snack. Halfway through his scrumptious cricket-with-mayo sandwich, he found an old frog woman staring down at him.

"Yes-s-s-s-s…." Herbert said, having been put in a very awkward position by this turn of events. "What is it that you want?"

"Uh….." said the strange woman. "That's my tree."

"It does not, as far as I can tell, have your name on it," said Herbert rather annoyed. If his day hadn't been bad enough, now a strange old frog lady/hobo/lunatic had decided he couldn't eat there because he was under what she imagined to be _her _tree. "Get lost!"

"No."

"What do you mean "no"?" Herbert asked, anger building. "This is not _your_ tree. I am not moving. You will have to find somewhere else to go… Now GET LOST LADY!"

"No."

The one-sided argument became heated as Herbert jumped up, threw his sandwich to the dirt, and started yelling for the lady to leave (apparently violent, angry arguments are genetic in the royal family). The old lady/lunatic/hobo's continuing to answer "no", during Herbert's vain attempts to persuade her to move, did not help the situation. So, to passersby, the two looked like an insane group of street urchins freaking out over a tree to sleep under (which was probably the reason the lady/lunatic/hobo refused to leave).

Unfortunately for Herbert, he just happened to be in the neighboring kingdom of his _good friend_ Count Lizard. And, as luck would have it, it was Count Lizard whose carriage happened to go by in the middle of Herbert's tirade with the hobo/lunatic lady. Calling for the carriage to halt, Count Lizard, leapt from his carriage, and fell flat on his face, only to right himself a second later and scurry up to the two arguing under the tree.

"Young miss…" Count started, "I have come to – "

The Count was cut off from his fancy and probably long narrative as to his crusade and reasons for valiantly fighting off Herbert, at Herbert's exclamation. "YOUNG!" Herbert screeched, brinking on a sudden and violent reaction to this absurd comment. "How in the world can you call this lunatic/hobo/old-frog-lady _young_?"

The Count, seemingly unfazed, continued on, "I have come (_exaggerated cough_) to save you from this dastardly villain!" (The lunacy of this statement not also, even coming close to fazing him) "He is obviously the evil prince of our neighboring kingdom…"

"He took my tree," the lady/lunatic/hobo said.

"Of course… he has taken your tree!" The count exclaimed, as if he had come to an amazingly knowledgeable and bright discovery. "Well then, he must be punished."

"Are you BOTH insane!" Herbert yelled. Internally, Herbert was beginning to question his own sanity. Was it just him? Was this royal-pain really going to fight him/punish him for trying to eat a sandwich under this hobo/lunatic/old frog lady's _supposed_ tree? What was the world coming to? Were the neighboring kingdoms really so different as the one he had been brought up in? Were his parents, maybe, leaders of a new order, trying to establish a new kind of kingdom, where these problems, like the one he was currently involved in, were just trivial? WHAT WAS GOING ON?

Herbert was interrupted from his internal thoughts and ponderings by the Count, who had begun to wave his sword around rather threateningly. Although, only threatening because of the fact that he obviously had no clue what he was doing. This forced Herbert to have to dodge unwieldy swings of the Count's sword. Apparently, the Count was _supposed_ to be demonstrating to the lady/lunatic/hobo how he would slay the "villain" and save her and her tree from his dastardly evils. So, seeing the two lunatics involved in their absurd commentary, Herbert let go of his anger (because the two were obviously both lunatics) and decided it was time to leave; he left the two idiots talking in the middle of the road, and headed on his way.


	3. Epic Battle

And so Herbert commenced to thinking about his new bride-to-be (Because the journey was not _interesting_ enough for him to focus on it. If these had been his thoughts it would go something like… heat, dirt road, need water, heat, dirt road, NEED WATER… see how the journey is depressing?). He began to picture his bride and him together. It was an annoying, degrading fantasy, however, so it will not be described in this particular story… Then, he came to a sudden, halting realization; he had NO CLUE where he was going. The mirror had given him printed out directions, but everyone knows KingdomQuest (MapQuest) does not give accurate directions so he had to guess his way around. He was going to… Where? He tried to read the address his advisor had scribbled on the bottom of the shabby piece of paper that was supposed to qualify as "directions." Considering the time, less the .5 seconds, that the advisor had had before Herb was kicked out of the house, and the fact that the advisor was repeatedly smacked by flying objects as Herb's mother continued her long and thunderous tirade about Herb getting married and the mirror and advisors being incompetent, etc. the advisor had done a pretty good job. Herbert looked and flipped the page upside down, and squinted, and held it even closer to his face in a vain attempt to understand whatever was written on the page.

It could have been any number of things, but Herbert finally came to what he supposed to be a _translation_ of the text. "Kingdom Frogville, Lilly Castle, Pond Pad 74" So, being at a crossroads for some coincidental reason (this was for dramatic effect and because, how else could Herbert be forced to choose a direction?), Herbert headed towards Kingdom Frogvilla to the left.

So, Herbert began his looooong journey towards Frogvilla. He traveled most of the rest of the day (he was not in shape, so we cannot blame him for his lack of mileage). He fell asleep under another tree on the side of another road. His dreams were unnecessarily happy, and good. This was BAD! Herbert, and any other sane person, realized (or would have realized) that all this good, non bothered journeying/questing was about to have an amazing downfall into the terrible parts of luck. And, waking up the next morning, Herbert immediately knew why and how this would come to be.

**You may have noticed how he headed to Frogvilla after he had decided the correct direction was towards Frogville. This is because:**

**A:The sign was covered with ivy and rust, and was a bent piece of junk on a stick, that the Count's government (they are in Count Lizard's kingdom) had not bothered to fix. This caused many issues, in that the Count was not properly taking care of his people and aiding them in their journey around. Of course, the Count's response was always, "Why would I wan to help youin running to some other kingdom that's not mine?" Strange logic, but… This _is _the Count.**

**B:More dramatic effect… _Something_ interesting has to happen in the end!**

"Oh…" Herb said, annoyed and slightly bemused. "It's you again." Sure enough, standing over him, with two large flunkies flanking him was (drum roll please…) Count Lizard. However, today, the Count had decided to change his role in the story. He had come in, what appeared to be, a camouflage Hummer. Behind which there was an entire army of tanks ready to open fire on Herb at any moment. And, if Herbert had decided to look up, which he did, he would have found a large group of military planes, ready to drop humungous, and possibly life-threatening bombs on him at any given moment. Count Lizard, was decked out in his best impression of a Mission Impossible outfit, a black bullet-proof vest (as if he needed one, Herbert wasn't carrying a gun…), black camo-pants, and with a little secretary-like-microphone-thingy on his head, presumably to inform his troops when he intended for them to open fire. The sight was altogether very frightening, if you remember the deft _skill_ the Count had with a simple sword… Imagine the effect of modern technology. Not good…

"Yes, villain, I have returned, to _conquer_ you!" Count Lizard cried. Again, he failed to notice the irony here. "After you ran from our battle," Count Lizard continued, "I followed you tracks to… well, here…" He got a little shaky here. Maybe that was because it had taken him so long, when he had a Hummer, to track Herbert (he apparently followed a lot of wrong tracks). But, after a nudge from his left-flunky, he seemed to regain his confidence, and spoke his last words, "Prepare to die!"

"Oh, right…. _You _are going to kill _me_? Are you _kidding_?" Herbert said, as he got up, dusted off his pants, and gathered his bag (which was a handkerchief tied to a stick containing the address and… that was it). "I'll be going now…" Herb said, beginning to get bored.

"Ah HA! Evil villain, face your foe… I will fight you in the name of justice! Give me your best shot!" Count Lizard said, attempting to sound gallant.

"I don't think so…" Herbert said annoyed. "Get lost squirt!" And Herbert continued on his merry way.

What he didn't realize, however, was that Count Lizard had a bit of a problem with that name, stemming from his childhood school days when he was bullied by the older, _smarter_ kids. Count Lizard began to turn red (picture a green lizard… turning red), steam began to burst from his ears, and he started to go berserk.

"I don't think so, Herb… You're dealing with _mad _lizard now!" Count Lizard yelled. Spinning around he yelled at the tanks, "FIRE!"

Ducking behind a tree just in time, a rain of torpedoes fell through the air, breaking the sound barrier and exploding around the tree. After the first rally of fire had ceased, Herb ran for a new cover, seeing as how his tree had become a burning stick in the ground.

"FIRE!" Count Lizard screeched again. Almost simultaneously bombs began falling from the sky, raining around the feet of Herbert, who was forced to duck and dodge as they hit.

_What is this weirdo lizard's problem?_ Herbert screeched internally. Externally, Herbert was still fighting to stay alive. He was in a lose-lose situation. He had pissed off someone with military weaponry, had been shot at by tanks with torpedoes and planes with bombs, and now, to top the morning off (because, let's face it, its maybe been 10 minutes since Herbert woke up…), the insane lizard was running at him with a pistol in one hand (the safety unlatched… this could end up being hazardous) and a sword in the other (the same one he had proved he could _wield so well_). And then, surprise of surprises, as he was walking meaningfully towards Herbert, on fire with anger, and he tripped. Now, normally, there would have just been a shocked silence from the army and flunkies and a laughing Herbert; but, Count Lizard had a _gun_ with the safety _unlatched_… So, instead, the gun went off as Count Lizard was falling to the ground.

Panic ensued (for Herbert that is). His eyed bugged out, his face contorted, and he almost stayed still, had he not remembered that it was _Count Lizard_ who had _accidentally_ shot at him and he could die. So he pulled a matrix on the bullets (and fell over in the process) and managed to doge the oncoming bullets.

At this point, through the shocked silence of the flunkies, and Herbert's dodge skill had become old news, Count Lizard jumped to his feet, intending to "slay" Herbert with his sword (again, I must emphasize the skill in which he uses it). Instead, he cracked his head on a tree branch, and promptly fell back down, unconscious, on the dirt road. Seeming dead to those around him, his flunkies and military planes, no longer loyal to their dead highness, headed back towards base (the castle of Count Lizard, where his brother was awaiting the chance to command them into battle), and Herbert headed on his way, shaking his head sadly.

"Strange, strange little lizard…" Herbert said as he walked away.

Little did he know, Count Lizard woke up a little woozy a while (many hours) later.


	4. A New Rival

Groggy and a little dizzy, the Count wondered where his troops were. _Herbert must have captured them and taken them away_, Count Lizard thought to himself. "I will return Herbert…" Count Lizard said, low and threatening, "I will return!"

Meanwhile, Herbert was heading down the dirt road towards his destination, Princess Frogette's humble abode. His degrading thoughts, which shall not be described here yet again, were foremost on his mind, when he ran into a rather hard, inanimate object in the middle of the road. And then, low and behold, when Herbert looked up, he found a barricade, actually, more like a string of barricades, barricading the route.

_As if my day could get any worse…_ Herbert thought. And… of course, it did. But before I, the author, tell you what made Herb's day significantly worse, let's get a little background on the situation at hand.

While Herbert was busy battling it out with Count Lizard (you can't really call it a "battle" but… for practicality…), in a dark, dank, cold cave, far away, underground, an ant stood watching a blinking screen. His mission impossible outfit suited him slightly better than Count Lizard's, due to his impressive muscle size and evil glare (obviously, he didn't want to be there). Then, a siren sounded. A tall, angry, ant strode up behind him, decked out in flowing red, and black speckled, with a white ruff cloak, and a crown.

"He's here?" The ant stared at the screen for a while.

"He's here, sir– I mean, your majestic royal highness…" the mission impossible ant's face started to pale and he seemed to shrink in his clothes (this is a scary thought considering he was practically ten times larger than any ant or lizard in the area… and scarier).

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the Mission Impossible ant. He sunk to the ground, screaming. He was… _stung_.

Now, Herbert, who was commencing to look up at the thing behind the barricade, was where we left off. So, Herbert looked slowly up into the face of an ant. Not a very large ant, but a pretty puny ant, in a red with black dots and a ruff cloak, and a crown.

"Who are you?" Herbert said. In his head Herbert was screaming to himself, _What is wrong with the universe!_

"I… am your worst nightmare," said the ant. "I… am Prince ANTony!"


	5. Ant Issues

_Oh goodness_, thought Herbert, _another funny farm candidate… _Herbert took one look at ANTony's flunkies, however, and decided to keep the statement to himself. They looked a tad bit more threatening than Count Lizard's flunkies (A: because there were more of them & B: they had stingers & C: they obviously knew how to handle weaponry… which we cannot say about Count Lizard or know for sure about his flunkies, since we never actually found them firing a gun).

While Herbert was analyzing the situation, which looked grim from whichever viewpoint you looked through, Prince ANTony commenced his royal-formal-speech-about-how-he-was-going-to-rid-the-kingdom-of-evil/Herbert-speech.

"You!" ANTony yelled. "You killed Count Lizard… (mumbling under his breath, "_and that's not altogether a bad thing but…"_) and he trailed off. "Right-o! You are a enemy, a foreign invader, and you have taken the liberty of those around you. And, since you are my sworn enemy… no offense –

"None taken," Herbert replied. _Maybe this guy is just angry I'm here. Maybe he'll give me an escort out of his kingdom. Maybe he just wants to look good for his subjects._ Looking around and finding the area devoid of anything you could call "subjects" Herbert lost hope.

ANTony continued, "Therefore, you will never, ever, if I have a say in it, and I do since I'm the prince of the area…" Again, ANTony trailed off.

_Maybe it's ADD._ Herb thought. _That would make for a very interesting ruler._

As Herbert pondered the idea of what the kingdom was like with an ADD ruler, Prince ANTony seemed to get back on track (maybe it had to do with the flunkies prodding him…and handing him some note-cards…).

Like a child 6th grader presenting a speech he made no sense, spoke to low and really, really, fast. However, the parts the could be made out sounded something like a train wreck.

"So you… (cough)…(inaudible speech)…I will fight (fire burning in his eyes, raises his gun and screams…very banshee-like)… justice for everything you've done… (begins crying randomly…)…jail (low and soft)…take him! (with a strength in his voice that had not yet been seen)"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys… calm down…" Herb said backing away from the barricade. "I haven't even entered your kingdom yet… and um…(Herbert paused)…did you mention something about _jail_?" His last word coming out as a strangled squeak.

With a hyper shriek (apparently Prince ANTony is also bipolar) ANTony said, "WE CAN FIX THAT!"

And with that, a flunky reached over the barricade, picked Herbert up in 1 hand, and threw him to Prince ANTony's side of the barricade. The flunky took his gun (much bigger than any seen in this story yet… even though ants are more lethal with their stingers…which they have yet to use) and quickly applied a crack on the back of Herbert's head. Of course this caused Herbert to pass out, unconscious to the dirt road. "Oh…" Prince ANTony said, realizing Herbert's last question had not been answered. An evil, maniacal, A.D.D. with bipolar disorder, grin spread across the Prince's face, an evil glint in his eye, and laughing his villain laugh, ANTony said, "Yes Herbert…JAIL!"

Skipping ahead, Herb found himself woken by a bump in the road. He was lying on the floor of a large vehicle which sported the words "JAIL FOR ENEMIES OF THE KINGDOM (NEW ANTCATAZ CRIMINALS TRANSPORT SERVICE)". _ANTcataz? _Herbert wondered. _The prison?_ Then memory of what happened came flooding back. Uttering a stream of obscenities, Herbert pounded on the back doors. A futile effort, for the doors were reinforced, metal, and barred.

The truck pulled into a form of garage, where Herbert was forcefully removed from the vehicle and carried kicking and screaming (quite literally) towards a large ant, apparently a guard and one of Prince ANTony's flunkies. A bracelet was clamped down on his wrist and started to glow immediately (Ants are very high-tech… They take advantage of modern technology, which makes the palace end up looking more like a _Star Trek _set than a palace). The guard nodded to the truck drivers, who let Herbert go. Then the guard headed towards 2 huge, buzzing, electronic doors.

Sensing it was time to "get the heck outta dodge" Herbert sprinted away towards the dirt road not far off, only to be stopped a large volt of electronic charge surging through his veins. Herbert turned around, back towards the guard, who was smiling and waving something that looked like a remote in the hair. _Gah! Ants and their modern technology… And I thought after Count Lizard I was home free…_ Herbert thought.

Herbert headed back to where the guard was standing, waiting. "Go!" the guard shouted huskily. He pushed Herbert through some revolving doors and headed down a narrow corridor that looked similar to a hospital or mental institution with bars on all the rooms, instead of doors and windows.

"Food comes twice a day. Work starts at 2 AM. The warden will come for you," the guard said as if he'd said it a million times before.

Reaching a door at the end, the guard buzzed himself in. Herbert felt like choking as he followed, smoke and a pungent smell of decay and rot stunk up the room.

"Oh… This is your new roommate for the next million years," said the guard. And with that, he left. An short electronic buzz, and Herbert was trapped within those heavily guarded, reinforced, steel walls, with bars.

Remembering the guard's last comment about a roommate, Herbert peered, squinted and cocked his head, to see where his roommate could possibly be. There, seated in the back corner, smoke surrounding his head in big peace signs (peace signs?), and dressed like a hippy who didn't know the movement was over, sat what looked like a bug on drugs. Looking closely, Herbert found himself looking into the high face of a daddy long-leg, sitting on a pile high of what appeared to be bags and bags and bags of drugs.

The daddy long-legs, apparently recognizing a newcomer slurred his speech as he spoke, "Hey! I'm Daddy Long-Legs…" However, if you want to know what it sounded like, it was more like, "Yo--- (nodding his head back and forth, without skipping a beat on his blowing of peace signs from whatever drug he was smoking into the air)_ Yurrr_ the cat _I_'ma sharing the pad with? (pause) _I'm_ Daddy _Lo---ng Legs_…"

Herbert eyes rolled back in his head and, for the second time that day, Herbert passed out.


	6. The Discovery

When Herb woke up again, it was to a loud, obnoxious, foghorn-like sound. Pulling himself slowly from the ground, he looked around, realized where he was, and would have fainted yet again, if the foghorn had not blown again, directly into his ear.

"Wake up, wake up, wake up! Move it, move it, move it!" yelled a large, muscle-clad beetle, who looked to be in her 50s. She was carrying a large, whip-like instrument and was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Remembering what the guard had told him about a warden waking him up, Herbert slowly got to his feet. Not fast enough, however, because the warden quickly aimed her military clad boot into his esophagus.

"You should be up, dressed, clean, bed made!" the woman screeched.

Herbert, having been in a terrible mood, however, from the woman's charade this early in the morning, blew up in her face. "_Excuse me,_" Herb yelled, "I am supposed to be what? Clean! Are you insane? How long have you been here; when may I ask was this room ever clean?" Herbert was about to begin one of his long and thunderous tirades, similar to when he became enraged at the woman with her _supposed _tree (he still hadn't gotten over this), when he was promptly hit with the whip.

Well, let me suffice to say, that by the end of the day, Herbert, having been forced to work for nothing, no reason, and do menial tasks that the warden always found fault in, was worn, tired, hungry, really, really angry, and almost (pretty much one teensy, tiny, baby step away from) from psychotic.

Daddy Long-Legs chose this moment to pipe in with another slurred comment. "_Heeeeeey cat…_ wanna know what's up _caaat?_ _I… _got a fly fryer right here cat… and it ain't no joke… Ro—llins gave it to me… ya know… the guard…." He then reached under a sack of whatever drug he was high on at the time, and held up, a silver, metal, thing, with a keypad, that looked something like a…

Herbert exploded. "You had that thing the whole time!" Herbert, who had been through something almost equivalent to death over the past 24 hours was suddenly stopped in his tracks. _Oh great… I've done it! I've reached INSANITY! There's no way that idiot had that the whole… what was it, 30 years, he's been here… and not used it… I am sick, and dying! When will this be over?_ Herbert slumped to the ground. "God help me!" he cried to no one in particular.

Just then, the warden walked by the cell. "You still have that thing Daddy?" she questioned. She threw a bucket of water into the cell, splashing Herbert with ice-cold, freezing liquid (in an attempt to torture him). Breaking into a fit of laughter, she yelled over her shoulder, "Even with something to get you outta here, you couldn't get out!"


	7. The Escape

Herbert, in that second saw salvation. He ran at the idiot bug/roommate in the back of the cell and ripped the thing out of his hands. Pressing a button, he turned it on. Gears started moving. It was working! _I'm home free! Thank you God… I knew you loved me!_ And then… he saw it. He had set it up to break his lock… the first key-code was all he needed to break to get out of the cell, and it became apparent he was lost.

Lines of code flowed down the screen. Lines and lines and lines… He could understand some of it. But, it unnerved him, the irony of the situation, all of it was algebra. HARD algebra… The kind that… Herb had a sudden flashback.

"_It's not that hard Herb, THINK…" the royal mathematician said. "How do you expect to communicate with people if you can't even solve THIS problem? The world works with math, move and breathes in math…" the instructor paused and looked down at Herb's worksheet, "Gah! Herb… you are lost!"_

"NOOOOOOOO!" Herb cried. He was so close. "(x + 3)(x + 8) 26? What does it mean? What do I do?" Herb was on the brink of tears and a psychotic meltdown again. Scratching furiously in the dirt for hours Herb ended up with a bunch of useless, unintelligible nonsense.

And then, like an angel from above had decided that he needed something good to happen to him on his epic quest, Daddy Long-Legs spoke. "It's x… squared… to cinqo x minused… minus that big 50… gives ya zeeero cat… Zero…" Herb was lost. What in the world was this crazy bug screeching now? And then, he knew!

"You… (Herb pointed at the bug)… know ALGEBRA!" A flutter of hope was restored in him. And then…

"Nah… man… it just… came to me…" he said, high as usual.

"No… You can't be," Herb said, "You can't be, you can't be (Herb's voice grew increasingly louder each second. "How can you not know. I have been trying to figure out the answer for hours, and then you chime in with a piece, how is that possible? You have to know something…" Herb began wailing.

"Oh yeah… (Long-Legs sighed emphatically)… x minus ten… x positive… 5… right… positive 10… or… negative 5"

With a jerk, Herbert jumped to his feet. Pointing his finger accusingly in Daddy's direction, Herbert screeched, "You _do_ know!"

"Nah… man… just… peace…" Daddy Long-Leg's said. "Pie to my r squarrrred baby…" the bug said to know one in particular… motioning with his arms at some spot on the wall. "Yeah…"

Herb decided to ignore that bit about pie. He wanted some now more than anything, but to get some, he would first have to get out of this jail cell. It had become obvious hours ago that the warden did not want to feed him. Apparently, she was still smoldering, over Herb's tirade that morning.

What worried Herbert about the answer to the problem Daddy had given him was that there was apparently more than one answer. That means the code could be any of those numbers and the other problems' solution together. And, Herbert also knew, there were at least 4 doors he needed to open to get out of this place. That left 6 numbers and any million arrangements of them, maybe even repeating, that could be the codes. Herb's mind reeled.

"(4d – 1)² 5d(3d – 2)… um… that means it's… 4 times 5… or-" Herb trailed off doing strange, unheard of math in his head.

"Root double… cat… same solution… oooo… baby… same solution twice… that's one… times 2… minus 1… cat… minus 1"

_Minus 1? _Herb thought. _Wait! Minus 1! _Herb began to frantically scribble the answers to the equations Daddy was giving him onto the floor.

"(a + 4)(a + 4) 49?" Herb said. He was probing now. He knew that whether Daddy knew it or not, he was spouting how to solve the equations and their answers. _I wonder if my math tutor was like this when he wasn't in the classroom? High and spouting random equation answers with his buddies?_ Herb didn't know.

"eleven… negative… and… ooo yeah… 3 cat… 3…"

Herbert scribble furiously on the ground. So, he had solved the problems embedded in the code.

Now he just had to put in the right code to the locks. Hooking up his little machine to the electronic lock, a blue screen popped up. "CODE NEEDED" it read. Herb looked at the floor. He mentally seared the numbers into his brain. Thinking on those lines, Herb punched 4 numbers into the code slot.

-11, 10, 3, -5

The machine beeped. A countdown started on the machine. Herb was bewildered and confused. _Did I get it wrong? What happens when the countdown ends? _Herb didn't want to stick around to find out. Frantically, Herb typed all the combinations that came to him.

10, -1, 3, -1

5, 10, -11, -1

3, -11, 5, -1

-1, 5, -1, -11

The machine stopped blinking. The countdown stopped and the screen beeped and turned green. _Yes! _Herb thought. _I did it. The alarm didn't go…_ Herb was cut off as he looked down at the screen, the countdown continued faster than before and then, even though he had been allowed to exit, a blaring siren was set off.

Herb took off running, machine in hand. On his heels, he could hear a very angry, green-masked-face warden running after him. He made a series of random turns and reached another door. "Not here…" Herb said under his breath, quietly swearing to himself. "What is with the world and it hating me?"

Herb hooked the machine in as fast as he could to the lock. He paused. _Oh no… I forgot the numbers!_

Herb punched random numbers and symbols into the machine, starting the countdown for another siren yet again on yet another door. Hearing an angry warden coming faster and closer every second, Herb, desperate, slammed his webbed foot hard into the machine, smacking it against the wall. A beep, and Herb was through the 2nd door.

Herb, however, had set off the main section of the palace's alarms. Guards came pouring from every door in front and behind him. Herb was forced to fight, leap, and dodge oncoming attacks and gunfire, while still attempting to find another door and get away from a very angry warden (who was still on his tail).

Running like crazy, Herb reached a door, which looked to lead, outside. Herb cheered inside. He had finally reached the exit… He would be free. Then, the realization set in. _Oh my goodness… I forgot the numbers. _Herb nearly burst into tears, except he didn't have time. He knew smacking the machine again was not going to work in his favor. It was already sparking and beeping loudly enough as it was. It looked, actually, like it was about to explode in his hands.

Herb fumbled with hooking it up to the lock. All the while, guards, flunkies, and the warden getting closer and closer. Herb's machine however was spitting out random numbers now. "X6 - x²" the screen flashed wildly, changing colors, static covering the screen. Sparks came from the machine rapidly now. _It's going to blow! It's going to blow before I make it out! _Herb was yelling inside. _OK, ok, ok… calm… I have to solve this… It must be algebra… No biggie… _

Forcing himself to remember Herb rushed through the math. "x4" Herb said. That had to be the answer. But the machine began flashing and screeching even more wildly when he tried to enter it. _Why don't I have a calculator with me?_ Herb screeched internally. _I knew I needed to carry those around more often. _

Another voice echoed in Herb's head though. His math teacher scolding him, "It's all applicable to life," he said.

Then, cutting his math teacher off from the whole lecture, he remembered the royal computer bank. "All electronic devices have calculators on them," said the jovial librarian, who had no clue that Herbert was going to use the information to cheat on his next test.

"Yes!" Herbert nearly jumped for joy. Then, he remembered his situation. He frantically keyed buttons searching for the calculator. "Yes!" Herbert cried as he found it. "Yes, yes, yes!" Herbert said as he got the answer. As fast as he could Herb typed into the flashing, now sizzling, code space:

X2 (x2 + 1)(x + 1)(x - 1)

Pushing his way through the heavy glass doors, Herb tasted good, clean air. He sprinted away from the castle almost giddy with joy. _I'm free, I'm free!_


	8. Epic Ending

And then, even better, a sign, just across the road read, "CASTLE OF PRINCESS OF FROG - - LL-". Although some was covered with ivy (because like Count Lizard, Prince ANTony also had issues with helping his people and the economy), Herb knew his quest was over.

Meanwhile, in the gardens in front of her castle, a princess and her courtiers were enjoying the sunshine. A voice could be heard crying from across the road, "Princess, princess!" Jumping up, the princess ran to the edge of the road.

"It's him!" she cried to her courtiers. "It's him, Herbert, I am going to be married!" she squealed.

Herbert, however, was not really paying attention to her. He was tired, psychotic, and exhausted. All that mattered was that he had got what he had come for. He would be married soon. He would be sleeping in silk sheet again. The thoughts of luxury drove him as he ran across the road toward the princess, who was also running towards him.

When they reached the middle of the road, Herbert and the princess grabbed each other and embraced. They kissed. Wedding bells could be heard in the background… It was altogether very romantic. Or, so the couple thought.

What they had really heard was a fire truck siren. Speeding down the road the driver could only think, _Fire, 3804 Lake Powell Dr., hurry, people inside_. The speeding driver was completely unaware of the couple in the middle of the road.

And so, Herbert and the Princess were run over. Dead, the two left their earthly bodies and floated up towards heaven, halos adorning their heads, and little wings sprouting on their backs.

At the same time, Count Lizard ran across the road, flanked by his flunkies (who he had apparently won back from his power hungry brother). Upon seeing the two dead, Count Lizard went into a rage. "Leaping Lizards!" he cried. "Killing them was my job, _my _job!"

"No, it was mine!" yelled Prince ANTony from across the road, also flanked by flunkies.

A fight commenced between the two over whose job it was to kill/slay/bring to justice Herbert.

All the while, Herbert and the Princess were floating towards heaven. Spinning towards his should-have-been-bride Herb said, "Strange, strange, creature-" He stopped. And then, with a cry of anguish said, "You're not Frogette! You're not her! No!" And Herbert fainted.

And so the story ends…


End file.
